broadcast: march 2006--canada
i'm back in kitchener-waterloo with a month to spend before heading back into the states and down to diamond mountain university for the spring semester. my first night back i'm sleeping beneath the fake tiger skin rug again and this time dreaming clearly of tigers and bears and black-red hearts. second night back i'm hanging out in a bar ("jane bond"!) with meaghan and her friends and one of her friends offers me an apartment for the duration of my stay here, with kitchen bathroom etc. not only that she provides me with artists materials to play with (she knows where i'm coming from - attended one of the talks last month) and a larder full of food, including biscuits from ikea. her partner is a philosophy professor and he has friends who love english football, so that may manifest along the way too. from the balcony i overlook a snowcovered cemetery and watch squirrels hop the intersections between the trees and the rooftops. a mini dvd-player with a three inch screen appears along with more kung fu episodes to watch. prayers and meditation each morning, prayers and mandala offerings each night and, in between, artforum, 'the time of our singing', nagarjuna, minimalism.
back in the slower pace of k-w i'm also finally able to check out the web site that has just surfaced on the net, expressing concerns about the way geshe michael is teaching. it was quite a powerful experience to read, having just returned from the high energy tenderness of being immersed in his community during his new york teachings. its not a tacky site - its polite but very critical - but they dont say who they are unfortunately (just vague sketches meant to underscore the credibility of the various critics), which detracts a little from the gravity of their stance. the site is www.diamond-cutter.org
however, given that quite a few people who receive shenyenradio have studied with me and/or know how deeply i admire geshe michael, i feel its my duty to point out the website and also to try and express how i have incorporated the experience into my own trajectory.
i read it through from beginning to end - it took a while and it was almost all critical, and as i said, coming after the immense sweetness of being within his community in new york it was quite a shock, but after digesting it i actually feel clearer about why i am going to diamond mountain and what i'm expecting from there, and clearer about how to go there. i realised, in the aftershock of reading the site from beginning to end, that i had slipped into thinking about geshe michael very one-dimensionally, very selfishly - purely in terms of whether or not he was going to become 'my' teacher (my my my my my wonderful teacher for wonderful wonderful wonderful me). now i realise that i need to think about him in a total way - as a prospective lifelong teacher, as the wonderful heart-teacher of the last five years that he already is and, last but not least, as a potential casualty of our high-pressured world's hunger for celebrity-gurus, a sweet shining but crashing soul... if you love someone in this world its your duty to imagine the possibility of them crashing, even as you love them with faith.
... actually i had been thinking in this space often over the last two years, ever since i returned to dharamsala in 2004 and encountered several times among people there a dismissal of who he was and where he was going, but the new york experience had been so sweet that i had recently let go of that side of the picture. but as i said, for most of the last two years my mind has stayed open to the possibility, even as i lapped up recording after recording with joy and faith, that he may indeed be spiralling out of control the way people around me kept telling me he was. just because i had no feeling in my own mind that he might be crashing doesnt mean it was impossible. my love for him doesnt have to preclude the challenge - the beautiful wild challenge - of imagining him totally crashing while at the same time feeling the joy in what he is trying to do continually deepen inside me. i dont have to close my eyes to that or any other possibility.
i know he is controversial. the whole of buddhist history is littered with controversial teachers - we love it when its in the distant past, in the accepted hagiographies of characters safely mummified within the centuries and the pages, but when it happens with real people from our own time - and a westerner too! - we find it hard to accept. we lap up the 'marpa milarepa' soap opera from the 16th century with a lazy isolated pseudo-faith, smiling lazily at milarepa's tortures knowing how the story ends, but we cant accept even the tiniest challenge to the pre-conceived version of our own world and identity from a liviing breathing teacher in the 21st century.
and i know teachers can crash - especially here in the hyper-electric late-twentieth century western lands. its happened many times before, both to westerners and tibetans. its part of the energy of the situation, of trying to wrestle with the whole energy pattern of a powerful and crazy culture and transform it into something pure, something visionary. it is not easy.
so within these two parameters my job is to remain open, disciplined, attentive, unfearful. to walk in the dark in my best clothes.
in spring 2004 i had the chance to go to toronto and attend the kalachakra given by the dalai lama, and from there maybe meet up with geshe michael for the first time, and - who knows? - maybe even ordain with him.. or go to india and do the six month buddhist logic and debate course. two wonderful choices and i was totally stuck about which to choose. my friend matt did a divination for me and the result was india, so off i went. at the time i didnt know that three months later i would be ordaining with the dalai lama, and when i first arrived in india i remember feeling a bit sad about missing the toronto option. but when the chance to ordain with the dalai lama came up and i took it, and the new path that opened up immediately felt so clear and true, i felt so glad. and then, from my new position as a monk ordained by the dalai lama, i had a realisation: i thought "even if geshe michael crashes, i can be a witness of all the good he did beforehand, i can say to the world that this guy was the one who woke me up and made me want to go all the way, and i can say it as a monk within the dalai lama's lineage not as someone already immersed in geshe michael's community." this, i think, is the kind of open, clear-eyed love for a teacher i want to develop: to be deeply thankful for the teachings they give me while at the same time able to keep my balance and thankfulness even should they fall. "i love you when you arrive, i love you when you leave." and of course i can only have the teachers that my karma can 'afford', (and how many in this world have the karma to have perfect lifelong teachers in the room next to them day after day, year after year?)... so love has to be generous, even when the loved one is crashing - actually, especially when the loved one is crashing...
so, expecting nothing, blaming nothing and no-one in my world, i am able to learn from whatever teachers come my way. if they shine like a star i can try and learn from them how to do that, and if they crash, consumed by hubris, i can learn what that is like too - a thunderous close-up lesson in darkness! and i know one thing: in my millions of future lives i am bound to crash myself many times, so that will be a valuable lesson to learn, a valuable lesson to receive, should it manifest.
the fact is though, i really dont know what the 'true situation' is - all i know is my own deep love and joy in what he is trying to do. and i take responsibility for this joy and faith. i personally feel safe in ways i cannot describe - partially because i have deep faith in the buddhist teachings on karma, that nothing and no-one is to blame for anything in my world, and partially because of the trust i feel in my own motivation. but i feel its my duty to inform everyone who has encountered geshe michael through me that he is being strongly doubted, and to remind them that we have to reach our own decisions and take responsibility for our own decisions as we move through this fantastic mysterious world, this unrepeatable, endless world. for my part, i will continue to present my own encounters with geshe michael and his community as openly and accurately as i can.
but one thing i am radiantly clear about - the geshe michael i will connect with will be different from the geshe michael perceived by the critics on that website. the buddhist teachings tell me clearly that i will always and everywhere perceive my own world - the marriage of karma and emptiness. or as we chant in the thai temples: "i am the product of my karma, born of my karma, the heir of my karma, abide supported by my karma, whatever karma i create, for good or for ill, of that i will be the heir..." all i've ever wanted is for geshe michael to succeed in his wild, sweet vision of what is possible for a human being on this planet, at this time, out of thankfulness for the teachings i have received from him. even though i dont have the knowledge to judge his vision from some objective (?) or higher perspective and so cannot comment on the controversies that surround him. all i can say is that, controversies aside, this vision of his touches all the essential points of my understanding of the buddhist path, and the deeper patterns of my emerging faith in the buddha-dharma. it doesnt even matter if he succeeds but i miss out on being a part of it; and if he fails that's ok too. i will perceive and experience whatever i have the karma to perceive and experience. there is no fixed 'geshe michael' or 'shenyen' or 'world'. but whether he is shining from within an oceanic plenitude and a wild sweet holy transformation, or shining because he is on fire and spiraling for just a few more seconds through an empty sky, my job (one of them, anyway) remains the same: to never forget who helped me and when, who spoke to me and when, who invited me and when - invited me to try in my own way to shine.
the last six weeks over here in north america have been so amazing. so much more than i ever anticipated has already happened. and i'm really looking forward to going to diamond mountain with this wide-open non-judgmental gaze, this loving gaze that sees beauty but doesnt demand that it lasts or stays the same (i, too, dont last or stay the same...) whoever geshe michael is and is not, i will always appreciate him, and smile when i think of him. if you want a spiritual teacher in your life you must be totally open and totally unsentimental at the same time. and a hundred other qualities too. the radiance of discipline and an endless openness to the mystery.
so, till next time,
shenyen
back in the slower pace of k-w i'm also finally able to check out the web site that has just surfaced on the net, expressing concerns about the way geshe michael is teaching. it was quite a powerful experience to read, having just returned from the high energy tenderness of being immersed in his community during his new york teachings. its not a tacky site - its polite but very critical - but they dont say who they are unfortunately (just vague sketches meant to underscore the credibility of the various critics), which detracts a little from the gravity of their stance. the site is www.diamond-cutter.org
however, given that quite a few people who receive shenyenradio have studied with me and/or know how deeply i admire geshe michael, i feel its my duty to point out the website and also to try and express how i have incorporated the experience into my own trajectory.
i read it through from beginning to end - it took a while and it was almost all critical, and as i said, coming after the immense sweetness of being within his community in new york it was quite a shock, but after digesting it i actually feel clearer about why i am going to diamond mountain and what i'm expecting from there, and clearer about how to go there. i realised, in the aftershock of reading the site from beginning to end, that i had slipped into thinking about geshe michael very one-dimensionally, very selfishly - purely in terms of whether or not he was going to become 'my' teacher (my my my my my wonderful teacher for wonderful wonderful wonderful me). now i realise that i need to think about him in a total way - as a prospective lifelong teacher, as the wonderful heart-teacher of the last five years that he already is and, last but not least, as a potential casualty of our high-pressured world's hunger for celebrity-gurus, a sweet shining but crashing soul... if you love someone in this world its your duty to imagine the possibility of them crashing, even as you love them with faith.
... actually i had been thinking in this space often over the last two years, ever since i returned to dharamsala in 2004 and encountered several times among people there a dismissal of who he was and where he was going, but the new york experience had been so sweet that i had recently let go of that side of the picture. but as i said, for most of the last two years my mind has stayed open to the possibility, even as i lapped up recording after recording with joy and faith, that he may indeed be spiralling out of control the way people around me kept telling me he was. just because i had no feeling in my own mind that he might be crashing doesnt mean it was impossible. my love for him doesnt have to preclude the challenge - the beautiful wild challenge - of imagining him totally crashing while at the same time feeling the joy in what he is trying to do continually deepen inside me. i dont have to close my eyes to that or any other possibility.
i know he is controversial. the whole of buddhist history is littered with controversial teachers - we love it when its in the distant past, in the accepted hagiographies of characters safely mummified within the centuries and the pages, but when it happens with real people from our own time - and a westerner too! - we find it hard to accept. we lap up the 'marpa milarepa' soap opera from the 16th century with a lazy isolated pseudo-faith, smiling lazily at milarepa's tortures knowing how the story ends, but we cant accept even the tiniest challenge to the pre-conceived version of our own world and identity from a liviing breathing teacher in the 21st century.
and i know teachers can crash - especially here in the hyper-electric late-twentieth century western lands. its happened many times before, both to westerners and tibetans. its part of the energy of the situation, of trying to wrestle with the whole energy pattern of a powerful and crazy culture and transform it into something pure, something visionary. it is not easy.
so within these two parameters my job is to remain open, disciplined, attentive, unfearful. to walk in the dark in my best clothes.
in spring 2004 i had the chance to go to toronto and attend the kalachakra given by the dalai lama, and from there maybe meet up with geshe michael for the first time, and - who knows? - maybe even ordain with him.. or go to india and do the six month buddhist logic and debate course. two wonderful choices and i was totally stuck about which to choose. my friend matt did a divination for me and the result was india, so off i went. at the time i didnt know that three months later i would be ordaining with the dalai lama, and when i first arrived in india i remember feeling a bit sad about missing the toronto option. but when the chance to ordain with the dalai lama came up and i took it, and the new path that opened up immediately felt so clear and true, i felt so glad. and then, from my new position as a monk ordained by the dalai lama, i had a realisation: i thought "even if geshe michael crashes, i can be a witness of all the good he did beforehand, i can say to the world that this guy was the one who woke me up and made me want to go all the way, and i can say it as a monk within the dalai lama's lineage not as someone already immersed in geshe michael's community." this, i think, is the kind of open, clear-eyed love for a teacher i want to develop: to be deeply thankful for the teachings they give me while at the same time able to keep my balance and thankfulness even should they fall. "i love you when you arrive, i love you when you leave." and of course i can only have the teachers that my karma can 'afford', (and how many in this world have the karma to have perfect lifelong teachers in the room next to them day after day, year after year?)... so love has to be generous, even when the loved one is crashing - actually, especially when the loved one is crashing...
so, expecting nothing, blaming nothing and no-one in my world, i am able to learn from whatever teachers come my way. if they shine like a star i can try and learn from them how to do that, and if they crash, consumed by hubris, i can learn what that is like too - a thunderous close-up lesson in darkness! and i know one thing: in my millions of future lives i am bound to crash myself many times, so that will be a valuable lesson to learn, a valuable lesson to receive, should it manifest.
the fact is though, i really dont know what the 'true situation' is - all i know is my own deep love and joy in what he is trying to do. and i take responsibility for this joy and faith. i personally feel safe in ways i cannot describe - partially because i have deep faith in the buddhist teachings on karma, that nothing and no-one is to blame for anything in my world, and partially because of the trust i feel in my own motivation. but i feel its my duty to inform everyone who has encountered geshe michael through me that he is being strongly doubted, and to remind them that we have to reach our own decisions and take responsibility for our own decisions as we move through this fantastic mysterious world, this unrepeatable, endless world. for my part, i will continue to present my own encounters with geshe michael and his community as openly and accurately as i can.
but one thing i am radiantly clear about - the geshe michael i will connect with will be different from the geshe michael perceived by the critics on that website. the buddhist teachings tell me clearly that i will always and everywhere perceive my own world - the marriage of karma and emptiness. or as we chant in the thai temples: "i am the product of my karma, born of my karma, the heir of my karma, abide supported by my karma, whatever karma i create, for good or for ill, of that i will be the heir..." all i've ever wanted is for geshe michael to succeed in his wild, sweet vision of what is possible for a human being on this planet, at this time, out of thankfulness for the teachings i have received from him. even though i dont have the knowledge to judge his vision from some objective (?) or higher perspective and so cannot comment on the controversies that surround him. all i can say is that, controversies aside, this vision of his touches all the essential points of my understanding of the buddhist path, and the deeper patterns of my emerging faith in the buddha-dharma. it doesnt even matter if he succeeds but i miss out on being a part of it; and if he fails that's ok too. i will perceive and experience whatever i have the karma to perceive and experience. there is no fixed 'geshe michael' or 'shenyen' or 'world'. but whether he is shining from within an oceanic plenitude and a wild sweet holy transformation, or shining because he is on fire and spiraling for just a few more seconds through an empty sky, my job (one of them, anyway) remains the same: to never forget who helped me and when, who spoke to me and when, who invited me and when - invited me to try in my own way to shine.
the last six weeks over here in north america have been so amazing. so much more than i ever anticipated has already happened. and i'm really looking forward to going to diamond mountain with this wide-open non-judgmental gaze, this loving gaze that sees beauty but doesnt demand that it lasts or stays the same (i, too, dont last or stay the same...) whoever geshe michael is and is not, i will always appreciate him, and smile when i think of him. if you want a spiritual teacher in your life you must be totally open and totally unsentimental at the same time. and a hundred other qualities too. the radiance of discipline and an endless openness to the mystery.
so, till next time,
shenyen
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